Being happy

Being happy for someone else when you admit to yourself that you've been keen to be part of it again is not easy. It's especially true when a memory of the past is still vivid as if it happened just yesterday and feeling towards it has not changed a bit since the beginning. It's not out of jealousy but it's from a feeling of seeing something from a distance that's too far to reach. But I smile anyways because anything else wouldn't help. I say I'm happy for them because I am truly happy to see them smile. And, more than that, I love to make them smile. That itself is a reward. I'm glad that I have the strength to handle my feeling this way. But at the same time, it's my weakness. I wish I could be more of an asshole so that I can protect myself better.

I curse it and wish that I could kill such a feeling completely. But I don't. Hanging onto the edge of the cliff with a tip of fingers when you know that you'll eventually fall is pathetic, I know. Doing that especially when you foresee that, in the end, someone on top of the cliff will walk away without reaching out for you is a foolish act. I do not know why I do this when it hurts severely each time I think of the past especially when things came to an end largely with misunderstanding and miscommunication. Having knowing that, I still stumble upon it. So I don't bother trying to forget it anymore. I'm learning to live with it. Once things become part of my life, I cherish it any way I can. Good or bad, I think this is one of the reasons why I have never lost one single friend. Well, all my friends are good people and I don't have a reason to lose them anyways.

By the way, completely separate from this post, I haven't really paid attention to rock/alternative but I just happened to turn on KROQ and heard Incubus. I like their lyrics. This will be my karaoke song :P

Incubus - Dig

We all have a weakness
But some of ours are easy to identify. Look me in the eye,
and ask for forgiveness.
We'll make a pact to never speak that word again.
Yes, you are my friend.
We all have something that digs at us,
at least we dig each other.

So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday.

If I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
the better part of me.
Sing this song
remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone.

We all have a sickness
that cleverly attaches and multiplies
No matter how we try.
We all have someone that digs at us,
at least we dig each other.

So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.
If I turn into another,
dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone.
Oh, each other when everything else is gone.

ooooh....
(15x)

If I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
the better part of me.
Sing this song
remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone.

Oh, each other when everything else is gone. (x2).